Tesla's Roadster Relaunch: What We Know and Why We're Still Skeptical

Tesla's Roadster: Vaporware or Reality? Don't Hold Your Breath.

Oh, another Tesla Roadster update. Color me shocked. We've been hearing about this mythical beast since 2017, right? Promised release dates keep slipping faster than my hairline. Now, suddenly, "insiders" are whispering about renewed efforts? Give me a break.

Roadster Redux: The Same Old Song and Dance?

So, Tesla has ramped up work on the Roadster. Here's what we know. sources say Tesla ramped up work on the Roadster this summer. Okay, great. What does that actually mean? A few engineers dusted off some old designs and maybe argued about the placement of the cupholders? I'll believe it when I see it rolling off a production line, and not a moment sooner.

And "designs seen by insiders" show it as a two-seater with butterfly doors? That's the departure from the four-seater prototype? Who cares! It's still just a rendering on some designer's screen. Remember the Cybertruck? Yeah, exactly.

Two to three years from production, they say. Right. That's code for "maybe someday, if Elon doesn't get distracted by another shiny object, like colonizing Mars or tweeting about Dogecoin." Seriously, is anyone still taking these timelines seriously?

Tesla hired five engineers to work on "aerodynamic prototypes." Five. That's it? That's supposed to inspire confidence? I've seen more people working on a single art project.

Musk's Empty Promises and Disgruntled Deposit-Holders

Musk said the Roadster has a "shot at being the most memorable product unveil ever." Oh, please. The most memorable? What, is it going to teleport us to another dimension? Will it cure cancer? Or will it just be another overhyped, under-delivered Tesla product?

And those "long-suffering deposit-holders"? What a joke. People like Sam Altman are cancelling their reservations and asking for their $50,000 back. Fifty grand! To reserve a car that might not even exist! I'm in the wrong business.

But hey, at least Altman got his money back in 24 hours, according to Musk. So, if you're a big-shot CEO, Tesla will bend over backwards for you. The rest of us can just wait in line, I guess.

Let's be real, the original Roadster was built off a Lotus Elise skeleton. Now they're promising zero to 60 in under a second and maybe even a flying car? It's getting harder to swallow this stuff.

"My friend Peter Thiel once reflected that the future is supposed to have flying cars, but we don't have flying cars. I think if Peter wants a flying car, he should be able to buy one," Musk said on Joe Rogan's podcast. Translation: "I'm going to keep dangling this carrot in front of you idiots because it gets me attention." I mean, c'mon.

Then again, maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe this time it's different. Maybe Tesla will actually deliver on its promises. Nah, who am I kidding?

Another Day, Another Tesla Hype Train

Look, I'm not saying the Roadster will never happen. But after years of delays, broken promises, and hype-fueled pronouncements, I'm not holding my breath. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me seven or eight times...well, you must be a Tesla shareholder.